Pseudo deep thinking

It has been 8 months since I wrote anything at all.

I am not a blogger, just happened to own a blog to jot down all sorts of things that I feel like talking about leisurely. Something to entertain myself when I have nothing else better to do and to make sure my English doesn't get any worse than it already is wtf. If you read my blog then you should know how limited my English is... even the grammar is not correct most of the time.

Write to share my feelings with people who care (or do not care) perhaps? But mostly to record how much growth I have experienced/done, or maybe to see what a horrible person I have become since the past so I can improve myself from where it was left off.

I always have this fear that if I have so much of negativity welling up inside that sooner or later it become irrecuperable and I inevitably transform into someone that no one can recognise, like Cruela de Vil. Though I hardly doubt that since I cringe at the sight of animal cruelty and everyone recognise Cruela de Vil la please wtf. I can't even bring myself to smoosh an ant with my finger (cause they make my finger smell like permanent marker after).

What makes me stop writing? Initially it was just the lack of energy and time from my transition as a student to an adult who has to juggle my time between work and taking care of myself after work (doing laundry, groceries shopping, taking care of my bunnies, cooking etc etc). Looking back... it doesn't seem like those chores should affect in anyway actually. There was a time in my life when I have fallen into a dark phase. Not that kind of phase where I turned into a serial killer/porn star/drug abuser kind of phase la. Just very dark as in very negative about life and keep questioning why am I in this world and feel sad pretty much 24/7 that there is nothing worth enjoying in life until the point where I wish I didn't exist in the first place at all.

It has always been in my nature to be cynical and that doesn't help at all when I predict things/people will turn bad and it did, it just gives me more excuses to stay the way I am to protect myself. It makes me feel trapped in this narrow perspective in life. The posts I've drafted also scared me so much now that I re-read them as they are mostly made out of angst. So much angst.

Soon, I became more and more depressed and I don't want to care about the things that happened in my life. I don't want to talk about them, write about them, or think about them. The more I mention about them, the more horrible comments flock into my face and my blog by opportunists who feed on people's misery to feel better for themselves. Everyday I hoped the day will pass by without dragging and without tears in my eyes (except for when my eyes are dry so that I can lubricate them wtf).

Now, reading back my old posts, things doesn't seem so bad anymore. My hate for life and people have decreased... for strangers and for people close to me. It doesn't matter if friends don't return my favours even though I have cared about them with all my heart and lent a hand to them sincerely, it only matters that I have done my part and that everything I have done is with pure heart of good intentions. Perhaps it's my fault things happened to me, perhaps it is not. It's very subjective I guess.

Right now, my aim is to cultivate positive thinking. I want to have faith in humanity and not being left clueless  with pessimism. I want to love and not hate people. I want to be a better person.

Playing around with blog skin

Wow! Blogger has new blog skins. Didn't take notice ever since I stopped blogging.

Don't know how long this is going to go on as I am on a hiatus from work, but will start work soon so fingers crossed! Will probably put this to a halt once I start slaving at work once again.

Why can't I have a job that is easy yet rewarding at the same time? Life is so hard!

Boooooo, why do I only know how to complain all the time.

And look, I screwed up the alignments of the picture captions. All my haloscan comments are gone too, not that it is important. Still, the point is, I don't know how to fix this. FML la.

Bleh.

Winkable

Been quite inspired with dolly eyes ever since don't know when!

I must be out of touch with the world for ages that I didn't realise Gyaru make up is the "in" thing now.

It's a brilliant technique, I think, for people like me who have double eyelids which don't form properly! Mine is more like an indistinct crease which is pretty annoying because hello, what the fuck is that on my eyes? ROAR!

Actually, my double eyelids formation started when I had a sty on my right eyelid wtf. Since the sty burst and left a scar there, it caused my right eyelid to crease gradually. The double eyelids on both of my eyes look uneven because of that.

I found out about Dolly Wink lashes last year when I visited to Japan for a holiday but it was so expensive, I 'mm seh tak' buy T__________T I even googled/youtubed on so many ways to imitate the Dolly Wink lashes. They seemed pretty convincing but when I put it on and looked at Tsubasa Masuwaka's pictures again, I feel dem disgusted with myself wtf. She has two kids already and still look so good. How can?!

So a few weeks ago I went to Mid Valley to walk around and this time I couldn't help it and went into Sasa to purchase the Dolly Wink lashes. I just had to purchase one Dolly Wink lashes in my lifetime otherwise I won't be able to fall asleep. Seriously, every night when I close my eyes, all I could think of is how easy my life is going to be if I just purchased Dolly Wink lashes from Sasa instead of D.I.Y-ing them at home. The D.I.Y lashes don't look too bad but they just aren't the same.

The usual price was RM55.90 but they were having promo so I bought a box of No. 2 lashes for RM48. Got two pairs inside leh so it doesn't feel that expensive anymore. Maybe when I was in Japan, the number on the price tag looked so big that I thought it was expensive?

I even bought some F Cup Cookies wtf. When I wanted to pay for the items, my debit card cannot go through leh! *Heart attack* How is that possible when I have half a year's worth of income inside? Which I must add that it took me a great deal of effort of saving up in England for rainy days like this moment, where I am jobless.

Luckily, Gary was there and was kind enough to pay for the lashes and the F Cup Cookies (though he made a lot of noise till these days saying those are unnecessary things). Dem paiseh. Thanks in advance Gary, for my soon to blossom boobies k wtf.

This is how light I usually wear my make up. Foundation + eyebrow filling + eyeliner + blusher + false eyelashes (since I have no prominent eyelashes, it's futile to use mascara). I don't even bother with lipgloss/lipstick. Looks pale cos of the glaring sunlinght! I got my daily lashes from eBay, even cheaper than Sungei Wang. Definitely need loads of patience to search for the cheapest good quality batch though.

This is how I look when there is not enough sunlight wtf. And also because I put on some eyeshadows to create a little bit of smokey eyes effect. These cross lashes are from Shu Uemura. Absolutely love them because they look quite natural and so durable. I had the same pair for a year now! But the main factor for durable eyelashes are good choice of eyelash glue, of course.

Picture taken after I got my hair trimmed from Number76 salon in MidValley. Always wanted to go there ever since my sister recommended to me a few years back, but always don't seem to have the chance to do so as I was living in England. I am so glad to be back in Malaysia for good!

At last by not least, here is my first Gyaru make up attempt. Added some false bottom lashes, created deep set eyes with eyelid glue, drew thicker eyebrows and viola! Not great, but passable rite??

Will try with double eyelid fiber next time once I get my hands on them, dunno where to purchase them yet. Even Sasa doesn't sell them. The double eyelid glue is quite visible that it looks like a bird just pooped on both my eyes wtf.

Dolly Wink lashes are so prettyyyyyy, can die. But they are not suitable for daily wear at all! It is too long!

Ya, and I know I look like this ghost in the horror film that crawled out of the TV right... sigh.

I'm lucky I know, but I gotta go home

Hi everyone :)

It's been ages since I last looked at my own blog. Re-visited it after such a long time and I can't help but to think what a shame it is because I have lost the ability to express myself. I am not capable to write as freely as I used to anymore. I read some of my posts and it made me happy. Some made me angry, some made me sad, but then again that's my colourful life. I had a life.

So many things have changed in the past few years.

Nevertheless, I am still me. The same old me. Childish yet grown up at the same time (wtf it doesn't make sense at all). Still playful... but haven't got the time to be myself due to loads of life sorting to do. My love life has taken a big chunk of my precious time to sort it out and finally I am able to wring free from the problem. I hope I have better luck in love next time.

Most of my time is spent working... working... and working... Yet my bank account isn't looking richer. I wish the bills will just leave me alone.

Hate to say this but I inevitably entered a proper adult life, with less fun and mostly work sigh.

I am tired. Really tired. My heart is all weary.

I need a break from all that is happening/has happened hence I've made up my mind to move back home where I can be around the people I love.

Goodbye England. I will miss you definitely, though won't be much wtf.

Love game

Did you move on in your life thinking that the next relationship will be better than the relationship you just let go?

And then halfway through, you realised this relationship was neither better nor worse. It is the same. You are stuck.

So fucking stuck.

Then you can't help but to think that you can never escape from this fucking fate.

And you go into facebook and see a particular ex bf doing the same shits he did when he was with you, the only difference this time is that he was doing all of it openly. The same pretentious person who pretended to love you.

And the list of exs who was the same previously.

Now, that's what you call life.

Tuesday day off

I really do not agree to having every other Tuesday off.

Reason being because I have to work on Monday and then I have Tuesday off which does not make sense at all.

Then the week after, I will have to work from Monday to Friday without a day of off but instead i have the whole weekends off. And when i come back from Nottingham (where i usually go if i have a long weekend), I work on Monday, off on Tuesday and work straight till Saturday.

I want two days off in a row!

And i don't know why i am complaining because it won't make a difference T_______T



Anyway, it has been freezing cold and rainy in Oxford lately. Or should I say Witney... if you haven't know, i actually work and live 40 mins away from Oxford.

It rained so much that the river is starting to flood. I live just behind the river and it worries me to death that one day when i wake up, i might actually be floating in the Oxford river while holding on to nothing but tightly to my pow pow (my stinky pillow).

The rise in water level has invited some mandarin ducks and geese to seek sanctuary at the branched out canal, which is also near my house.


The canal near my house, branched out from the river flowing adjacent to it.


Walked home from a night out at a pub with colleagues one night and saw these two fellas for the first time. The new residents of New Bridge Street ever since wtf.


Last but not least... a rather unflattering picture of me below.


Role play during the first aid training at Luton. Apparently I banged my head and it was bleeding wtf.

In real case scenario, if u ever need to bandage me up like that, I'd rather die in peace.

Work life is no life

OMG.

I am just too tired to blog.

Hence only these few lines... wtf